16 years

In late April of 1999, I was very very overdue pregnant with my first child. About a week before she was born, I sat in my living room and became captivated with the news showing me the terror that the students of Columbine High School were going through. I think the nation was just as appalled as I was...Columbine was on the news for weeks. I remember that night holding my giant belly and crying. How could I bring a child in THIS? How could anyone expect me to send her to school after THIS?

It's more than 16 years later. It's an unacceptable number of school shootings later. And we have a new "standard" of school shootings now that Sand Hook has happened.

I grew up learning about earthquake warnings. I don't remember one mass shooting in my childhood, although I'd bet there were a few in the world. But I didn't go to school learning how to handle "active shooter" situations. But every single one of my children has. They've never lived in a "mass shooting free" country.

I grew up in a very conservative home. I was raised hearing "If they take away our guns, then only bad guys will have guns!".  I've heard that for almost 40 years. And today, in the wake of another mass shooting that is barely registering on the national radar, I'm hearing it again. "If they take away our guns, only bad guys will have guns!".  For 40 years, maybe more, gun rights advocates and the NRA have been saying this over and over and over and over. The NRA hasn't changed their argument........and more and more people are dying. Gun owners haven't figured out any  better argument........and so we have legal gun owners blowing away their families nearly daily.

Recently, I read a letter to the editor in my local paper in which a gun rights advocate wrote "They always say if there are more guns, there will be blood in the street, but that's not happening!"

Except it is.

They say "If they take away our guns only bad guys will have guns" except every day it's a law abiding gun owner that turns into a murderer. Every single day.

I said this thing a decade ago, in a discussion with a friend....I said that we have proven that, as a nation, we cannot handle the responsibility that comes along with gun ownership. And every year my words are proven to be more true.

*sigh*

Gun rights advocates and the NRA do not live in reality. They think there isn't blood running in the streets. I saw a post on Instagram this morning blaming all these mass shootings on criminals. Gun rights folks completely ignore the fact that these shootings are being carried out by law abiding gun owners who share their views.

And we as a culture ignore that the NRA supporters threaten us EVERY DAY. They are the ones with the signs on their homes and cars that say things about how if we step on their property they will shoot us and how if we try to take their guns they will shoot us. They are domestic terrorists that we've allowed to infiltrate our society. People who think I should be DEAD if I dare attempt to take a piece of metal out of their home should NOT be owning guns. People who believe they are so much above the law that they should get to decide if a burgler lives or dies SHOULD NOT own a gun. NRA supporters and "Gun Nuts" as they are called should NOT be allowed to have guns.

The people screaming out about their "2nd amendment rights" are exactly the people who should be banned from owning guns.

I've lost friends over this issue. I know that at times I make my husband uncomfortable with my outspokenness on this issue. And somehow I'm the crazy one? And the dude screaming that he'll kill me if I take his gun is normal?

I don't believe now is the time to remain neutral on this. Remaining neutral means more deaths. Neutrality is tacit permission for the next mass shooting.

Once, I lost a friend because I said "What are you going to do when it happens at your kids school". And she was livid that I dared to say that. But it's true. We're all living in deep denial if we think we aren't ripe for being the victims in the next shooting. Because there are no rules. Once we accepted a classroom full of kindergartners being slaughtered, we accepted that this can, and will, happen to anyone, anywhere.

And there absolutely WILL be another. As I write this I can safely predict that in 2016 we will see another devastating school shooting. Probably another mass shooting in a happy public space like a mall or movie theater.  And next year there will be at least a dozen moms or dads who turn their gun on their spouse and children before killing themselves. Law abiding gun owners turning into criminals every single day.

Yes, we need mental health reform but that argument has just been perverted by the NRA supporters to avoid doing anything immediately. Yes, we need that......but we all know how long it will take to make meaningful, lasting change in how we deal with mental health. And we certainly aren't going to get ANYWHERE with that issue with a gang of people running around thinking their gun in more valuable than someone elses life.

We can IMMEDIATELY remove the threat of murder from thousands of homes by removing guns. And then maybe we'll get to work on the deeper issues that cause these shootings.


***********************************************************

I'm mad. I'm so angry that the NRA has brainwashed half of America and I'm so angry they bully us into tolerating murder.

But I'm also profoundly sad and scared.

On my drive into work today, I put it on the Christmas music station. And then I cried those heavy, ugly tears for the families who just had their holidays ripped from them. For the presents that will not get opened. For the kids and spouses who will forever associate Christmas with death. For the mothers who will have to do the unspeakable....bury their child. Too many mothers are burying too many of their children. This is insane.

I cry every time  I hear about these. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one.

I don't know what to do except try to convince everyone in my family to move away from this country of heartlessness and insanity.

I donate to anti gun campaigns. I try to be involved in my community. And then I just see the news headlines that it happened again.

I feel hopeless.

I pray. I pray selfishly that my children are never involved in this kind of thing. I pray selfishly that no one in my family will be involved. I pray for God to fix this mess, but I have so much doubt because so many people with guns don't have God in their heart.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm just going to put this right here.

Police by the numbers: http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/jun/09/the-counted-police-killings-us-vs-other-countries?CMP=fb_tc

a bitter pill

I think so many people reject the notion that "happiness is a choice" because accepting that truth means accepting that you've chosen to have crappy life experiences at times. It means owning that some or most or all of your awful periods in your life were of your own making.

And I guess it takes an unusual amount of personal responsibility and bravery to face that and truly accept it. An amount of responsibility and bravery that is not instilled in most people these days and is not the social norm.

hard things going on lately

These days, when horrible things happen in the world, we also get to see the horrible things that go on inside the minds of others, thanks to social media and the modern convention of hyper-oversharing. 

I’ve taken several steps back from social media in the past few years for that very reason. I've lost friends over gun control debates that were fueled on Facebook. With the recent news about race issues and the events that have occurred as a result of Mike Brown’s death and Tamir Rice’s death and Eric Garner’s death, I saw more and more ugly things from people who I otherwise like very much. The hardest part for me has been seeing that ugliness come from people who, like me, call themselves Christian.

 

This isn’t something new, we all know that people who call themselves Christian are often guilty of some of the ugliest, most un-Christlike behavior. It’s human.  But lately….it’s been killing me inside that I have to be identified with them. It kills me inside that no Christians stand up and say “Hey, this is wrong!” It’s killed me inside seeing the complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy that has been poured out into the world. It makes me depressed and angry and scared to admit that I am a follower of Jesus.

I admit it’s gotten to me a lot, maybe too much. I’ve avoided church. I’ve quit Facebook. I’ve isolated myself more and more because it’s too much, it’s too ugly, it’s too overwhelming.  All I can do is look at those pictures of those boys and think about them laying in the street for hours like a spectacle and their mothers……….oh my God, what their mothers must be going through. To know their baby just got murdered like an animal in the street and was treated with about that much respect? Those mothers.  I just can’t even imagine.  My heart breaks every day for these mamas, and I know my pain is a minute fraction of the pain they feel.

Anyways………..today I went for my walk at lunch and as I tend to do, I hooked myself up to the newest sermon from the Village Church. The title is Racial Reconciliation, you can find it on their website.

I braced myself when I opened my podcast list and saw that title. Matt Chandler sometimes says very very conservative (albeit Biblicaly sound) things that often make me bristle. I braced myself for his white-man take on the events of late.

What I came away with was a wave of relief so big that I found myself with tears running down my face walking around the perimeter of the State capital at lunch hour. I’m sure some of the people who saw me thought I was crazy.

I think EVERYONE should listen to this message….believer or not. But in case you don’t, let me give you the biggest take away I got from it:

 

As believers in the Gospel, we are bound to mourn with those who mourn. That is the way God made us.  That is how God meant for us to behave with others. Period.

If you’re inclination is to throw out facts, to run from the empathy that God created within you……..you are sinning.

It is a sin to condemn the mourning.

And I’m going to take this a step further than Matt Chandler did. Here is my interpretation of the Word;

When you post #SupportOfficerWilson or links to “Blue Lives Matter” rallies or talk about how “Well, Mike Brown shouldn’t have stolen those cigarettes” you are sinning. You are acting against the Gospel.

 

Maybe you aren’t a believer, so that is meaningless to you. But...if you are a believer…….take a minute next time this comes up. Take a minute next time you want to post some inflammatory hashtag or link or an article…..who’s message are you furthering? What example of God’s grace and mercy are you showing?

Matt Chandler talks about how we had a chance when all this happened…..and we blew it, big time. And I agree. America will surely be shown to be on the wrong side of history once again when our great grandchildren look back on this embarrassing chapter in history. What’s honestly so upsetting to me is how many people who  claim to love Jesus will be on the wrong side of history.  I don’t understand how someone can read the Bible and want to follow it…….and treat other humans so horribly. I know, I know…it happens all the time. I maybe will never understand it.

As hippy/new agey as it sounds…..we are ALL created in His image. So let’s treat each other like it.

 

If you are a Christian and if this strikes a chord with you, pray for God to soften your heart. And pray for God to heal the hearts of those families who have lost someone unjustly.  And ask God to heal our country, because I really believe that only He is capable of fixing this mess.

living the dream

About once a day, I have the realization that I'm living the dream life I wanted and envied in others when I first moved to this town 15 years ago.

When I moved here, I was a single mom, on welfare, struggling to finish college, working a part time job in a restaurant. I lived in this utter shit hole 1 bedroom apartment, and my car had blown up on the freeway on the move here. I didn't have any friends here. 

Going to campus, I would drive through the "fancy" neighborhood and see these put together moms out jogging in cute work out clothes, pushing their kids in cute strollers, and I'd look at their nice cars and huge houses and I really wanted that life. 

And now I live in that neighborhood I would drive through, and I have a big huge SUV and a big family and a wonderful husband and I am that mom sitting at soccer practice and running around the neighborhood on the weekends. 

It's just.......really surreal sometimes. 

I'm so so appreciative of my life and all that God's grace has given me.

Maybe it's life or getting older or achieving a "dream", but it also has made me realize that it's stupid to envy other people. Because I still have problems. Sure I live in this neighborhood, but it costs me a bajillion dollars and I'm almost always broke. And, yeah, I drive a giant SUV  but...I kind of have to. Four kids and all. Living here doesn't make life wonderful, it doesn't magically change anything like I thought it would 15 years ago.

I'm  not complaining. I'm also grateful for the insight, I'm grateful to know that my happiness doesn't depend on my car or neighborhood or work out clothes. 

gone

My high school buddy, Jeremy, died last night.

We used to be close, but haven't been as much in the last few years. Through no reason other than life and getting old.

He was truly such a good heart. When I got pregnant in college and when I moved to this city when I was a new mom, he went out of his way to always tell me "You can do this". He used to take me out to bagels most Saturdays because I was too broke to take myself. He would always say some variation of "You got this, Lopez. You're gonna be a great mom."

Like........just a million percent supportive.

And now he's gone, which feels...........so weird that he's not in the world anymore. I mean, really? He's just gone?

My brain is just in a fog. I feel...........gross and indecisive. I arrived at work and had a moment where I contemplated just going to a bar and drinking till I passed out. I get that feeling now. Nothing can fix this, so maybe I could blur it out for a while?


But of course, a much bigger part of my brain flashed big red flags and reminded me what a horrible, horrible idea that is.

So I'm writing a blog instead. Still kind of in a fog, with my brain not really wrapping itself around the idea that Jeremy just isn't here anymore.

wonderful kids

Our family has a weekend breakfast tradition. On Saturdays, I make pancakes and on Sundays we go out for donuts. It's a lot of carbs in our house on the weekends.

A few weeks ago, I found a recipe for whole wheat pancakes with oats. I drug my laptop into the kitchen to look at the recipe, whipped em up, and served them to the kids. They gobbled their food  down and I proudly re-pinned the recipe with a smug little comment about how I got my kids to eat whole wheat pancakes and they didn't complain or even seem to notice the deviation from the standard Bisquick pancakes I normally make.

The following weekend, I went to make pancakes again. As I was pulling out ingredients and going to the living room to fetch the laptop to get the whole wheat recipe again, my 6 year old stops me and says:

"Mama, I want you to make the pancakes you know how to make. Don't make the ones you don't know how to make."

And now each Saturday, I hear "Mama, you're going to make the pancakes you KNOW how to make, right?"

But don't tell him I generally sneak in oats anyways.

100 words - "Sing" by Travis

The older you get the more you realize you don’t know.

But, I think I’ve learned a couple truths in my 38 years.

One of those is that clichés are often true. One of the truest is “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself”.  If you are self-loathing, or don’t respect yourself…it’s just not possible to love another.

Another truth I’ve learned: you have to share it.  If you love yourself… it’s going to die if not shared. You can’t love another if you don’t love yourself, but you MUST love others if you DO love yourself.  Truth.

 

 

My contribution for 100 Word Song, hosted by My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog.
Inspired by the song "Sing" by Travis.

In Defense of My SUV

I was car-free for nearly 3 years.

I was able to do this because all the stars aligned just right and it was easy for me. I worked at home. My kids went to school just a few blocks away. I live in the center of a busy, large city where I was just a few blocks from groceries, a pharmacy, a couple of Targets, and four hospitals. And I had access to the services of ZipCar and Relay Rides when I ever really needed a car or just felt like getting out of town.  Despite what many people thought, it was quite easy and a significant reduction of stress on my resources and myself.

 

Then I got married and started a job in the real world. And suddenly my house had four kids and two adults going off to school and jobs each day.

That’s not to say we couldn’t still be car-free. Yes, we could. However, for us, the logistics of two working adults and four school aged kids made the trade off of convenience versus money leaned more and more towards convenience every day.  

So we bought a Suburban.

Yes, the giant, gas guzzling SUV that is probably the biggest SUV out there, aside from a Hummer.

We looked at smaller SUVs but realized that 1)they get about the same gas milage and 2)the whole point of “going big” was so that we could do things like all go places together, go camping and have room for family AND stuff, and so when we were in a car for longer than 10 minutes, it wasn’t uncomfortable a cramped. Again, all things that we of course could live through if we had to…but we didn’t.

We had a finite number of dollars, and it wasn’t practical or realistic for us to finance a new car. So with our finite dollars we had to find something that fit the criteria we wanted that was also within our budget. Hence, the older model Suburban that now sits in my driveway.

Why am I explaining myself so much?

Well, I’ve found that I get treated a lot differently driving a giant SUV than I did driving a tiny economy car. Other drivers and pedestrians seem to automatically assume I’m going to drive like an asshole or be an asshole and the only difference I can see is my car. I get honked at A LOT more. Maybe it’s because I drive worse in my SUV, but honestly, it’s not that hard to drive. And I’m a pretty conservative driver.

I am actually still primarily a bike rider. So I like to think I’m pretty aware of pedestrians and bikes when I’m out and out. I don’t speed. I park way out in the boonies of the parking lot. Generally, as I always have, I try to be a safe driver.

But I get dirty looks and honks and people yelling “watch it!” at a much higher rate. Does my SUV really look that scary?

Recently, I woman I know and like very much, who also happens to be a very vocal advocate for bike riders in my city, twittered that her new neighbor owns a Hummer and she “doesn’t think she’s going to like him”.

Because of what he drives.

Now, I admit that, I too judge Hummer drivers because it seems like a huge excess of money to spend to have one. I just could never justify that, but then again I’ve never had that kind of disposable income.  

But I don’t know that I could ever tell you for sure that I would most certainly dislike someone PURELY based on what they drive.

And maybe I’m a little defensive because I now drive one of those hulking behemoths.  I’d like to think I’m a nice person, concerned with my community, and just trying to do my best with what I have.  You can’t tell any of that about me when I’m behind the wheel of my car, though. Why would you think you could anyways?

If I had a gajillion dollars, I’d buy a brand new Tahoe with the FlexFuel option, but I’d keep an electric car of some kind for most of my driving. I’d own a fancy-pants Madsen cargo bike and all my kids would have expensive bikes too.

But I don’t have that money so I don’t have those options. I needed a car that fit my whole giant family of 6 for a really tiny dollar amount.  It is what it is, man. Why does that make you a better human than me?

 

As I’ve been mulling this over the past week or so, I had a scary thing happen to me yesterday. I was riding home through the city center and noticed a smallish pup running down the street I was biking down. He was running straight towards a very busy through street that feeds onto a highway…..so traffic is usually going along at a nice healthy 50mph clip. I tried to coax him to me but he was skittish and ran. He turned the corner, and a pedestrian was approaching so he did the scariest thing and ran dead into speeding traffic as I watched in helpless horror.

Two small cars barely missed him, but only by the grace of God, as both drivers were not paying attention and one was texting. And then the pup barreled into the path of a giant black Tahoe. And the driver screeched to a stop. And the pup tried to divert his path but ended up running himself into the screeching rear tire. He bowled over, yelped, and then got up and hauled ass down the side street. The Tahoe driver pulled over, obviously shaken. But no one else did. No one else even slowed down.

A man on a bike came tearing around the corner behind me, screaming for his dog and the Tahoe lady and I both yelled at him and pointed out where he could follow his dog, and he took off.  And the Tahoe lady looked at me and looked pretty sad, and got back in her car and got back on her way home.

 

The only obviously nice person there yesterday was the SUV lady.

Maybe most people who drive SUVs are jerks. I don’t know. But I like to think I’m not a total jerk. And I just saw a stranger who very obviously wasn’t one.

So, really…..judging a human being as worthwhile or not based on what you happened to see them get behind the wheel of? I just don’t know about that.

Everyone has their tribe

I've been struggling for the past few months with the internet and dysfunction.

Lot's of people make very compelling arguments for why the internet is, overall, good, but those arguments never sit well in my soul. And I finally figured out why.

Everyone has a tribe on the internet. Everyone can find a group of people who totally, completely accept them....and that's not always a good thing.

The thing is that everyone can find 100 people on the internet to tell them they are awesome. Even when they are doing shitty/dysfunctional/harmful things. There are dozens and dozens of people who will tell you "Don't listen to the haters! You're awesome!", even if the haters are right and you aren't being very awesome.

And humans take that validation and corrupt it to look like fact. "See!? Look at all these people who say I'm awesome and what I'm doing is totally ok!"

The true validation should come in real life. Your family, your close friends, your church, your school.........whatever community truly knows you. That's where we should be getting our validation or, sometimes, it's where we should be called out.

But being convicted is super uncomfortable. Sometimes painful. And it's much easier to retreat to the safe haven of people who only e-know you but will tell you "You're awesome!".

I find all this really depressing. Because the internet takes up more and more of our lives lately and people are having fewer and fewer authentic real-life relationships, at least as far as I can tell (but, you know, there will be 100 people on the internet telling me I'm full of crap so, clearly, they must be right).

can we be honest about some things?

My brain has been mulling over something quite a bit over the past few weeks:

Atheists are kind of jerks. 

And,  if I'm being honest, I just say "kind of" to be socially acceptable. Every atheist I know is real life is a jerk regarding their beliefs (or lack there of). They are generally perfectly normal, nice folks in other areas of life.........and huge, huge jerks about believing.

I'd like to have some real talk about this.


My atheist friends are quick to jump into discussions about religion and immediate bash their believer friends. And those discussions typically take one of two turns........the "You're stupid to believe in fairy tales" approach or the wider "Look at all the problems that religion causes!" argument.

Let's start with the later. "Look at all the problems religion causes!"

Here's some real talk: In my day to day life, in my town, in my circle of friends, in the community I participate in every day,  I don't know any abortion clinic bombers. I don't know how any jihadists who have suicide bombed a building.

I do know people who go out of their way to attempt to make me, and other believers, feel badly about themselves. I do know people who regular call others "friend" and then seek to tear them down.

You want to talk about making the world better or worse? Let's be real about it. Let's be honest with what our contributions are to our community on a day to day basis. Because I think we could all agree that America is kind of messed up right now and a huge part of the messed-up-ness we find ourselves in lies in how disassociated we are from one another.

What makes my world worse, real life, day in day out, in my community, in my circle of friends, in my town........is people who find it ok to insult and demean others because of differing beliefs.  What makes my world worse and what demonstrates bad behavior to me is people calling me "friend"...and then seeking to hurt me.

The former argument my atheist friend use...the "You're stupid to believe in fairy tales!" argument... is just a tag-along to this. That argument was only created to tear others down. Because...lets be real... on a day to day basis, how many believers do you know personally who are going around deliberately trying to harm you? And, let's say you know some. Is the best contribution you can make to your community divisiveness? Resistance of compromise and understanding? That's really your best choice? That's really  helping things? What does it matter if someone doesn't believe the exact thing you do? How does it make anything better to take something someone finds very important and scoff and call it mere fairy tales?

At the end of the day, what makes my community worse is more conflict. More unkindness.


And I'm gonna go off on a little tangent here:
When you post your snarky little memes on social media, and you are aware you have believers as friends, you are being a jerk. You are insulting those you call friends. Let's just be honest about it. I don't know if you're trying to pretend your believer friends don't see it or you're falling back on the ol "It's my FB page and I should be allowed to post what I want" line. Either way, insulting your friends and calling them names makes you a jerk. (I mean, unless you have a ton of folks on your FB that you don't really like and don't care about.......but it's still a pretty jerk move to willingly insult your audience).

Anyways........


You want to sit around a belittle others for not doing life exactly like you? That's your best contribution to your community?

There is no "right" side of intolerance. There is no "right" side of hate or spite.

When you seek out to tear others down simply for the sake of doing it, you are part of the problem. And that's a truth for believers and non-believers a like.

real talk

If you end up spending a majority of time shoving it in everyone's face how happy you are with yourself, maybe you're not that happy with yourself.

Instead of trying to find artificial happiness in the words of others, what about the idea of being still with yourself for a bit and seeing if you can generate that happiness yourself.

My experience has been that true contentment generally isn't brash.

futile

This blog has not been updated much lately, not that anyone reads or even really knows to read.

 

The silence comes from struggle. I have come to the blogger site dozens of times only to have dozens of entries sit in the “draft” folder, and most likely never to see the light of day. My last entry of any substance touched on my feelings that, months later, still have a strangle hold on my words.

A friend asked me if I’d quit blogging and quit twitter. Kind of? (Well, yes, I did quit twitter, actually).

To be plain…I don’t feel like my words will be welcomed. The things that weigh on my mind often somehow weave into the relationships I have…..and I don’t think I have permission in any relationship (except my marriage) to be honest.

I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said something to the effect of “You’d better have friends in your life that you give permission to be real and honest with you”.  And it struck me…..that’s why I’ve pulled away from social media, that’s why I don’t tweet or blog or post much on FB……I know that I do not have permission to be real with most anyone I am in a relationship with.  

I want to write things. And I write them and then realize that whatever I wrote  might end up hitting a nerve with someone I care about. Someone who I probably don’t have permission to be authentic with. So I realize I will probably just offend them or hurt them or, worse, push them away.  So I say nothing. And I hit “draft” instead of “publish”.

I don’t say any this in a judgey way. I come away from these situations feeling like a pretty horrible person most days. Whatever is going on in life and the world and our culture seems to dictate that I sit back and watch people I care about do harmful things. I feel like a terrible, terrible friend most of the time. Something in the way my brain is wired takes this on and I feel…..guilty. Why can’t I magically come up with the perfect words to tactfully and effectively convey what I’m trying to say? I suck at that. As this blog entry so clearly demonstrates.

So lately I’ve just been running away from it. I’ve been closing myself off from a lot of relationships and closing myself of from even having to engage it conversations.  I really just want to go between work and home and not think about what other folks are doing.  And I’ll be real…….it’s just because I’m tired and scared.

Anyways……….I don’t know if that makes sense. Or sounds just profoundly awful. Maybe I’m a horrible person and I just don’t know it. See? I’m finishing this up thinking “Oh lord, I’m going to sound like a giant jerk and it’s all going to be taken the wrong way and I’d better just hit draft instead of publish!”

 

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m feeling like…..words are futile.

And no, don’t feel like this entry is a call for smoke to be blown up my butt or that I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I want people to be authentic with me. And I guess I need to figure out what, exactly, is my calling in this area of life. Right now, I just don’t know.

the world has gone mad

There is so much backward logic in the world. Has it always been this way? (a question I find myself asking a lot.......)

Once upon a time in a different life, I had a husband who left me. He ran off to another town with another woman and said many hurtful, horrible things to me. And during those times, back in those olden days, he posted on his MySpace wall (I told you it was the olden days) a quote attributed to Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I knew it was a virtual slap-in-the-face to me, the bitter ex-wife who criticized his choices and who he was. And it infuriated me because that's not what that quote is meant for, damnit!

I knew he took some smug solace in the knowledge that Dr. Seuss, of all people, approved of him being who he was and that I didn't matter, nor did my opinion. And oh it burned me up inside.

I see this all the time, and I suppose it's much more in my face because of the internet. But every day, I see dozens of examples of people bastardizing some quote that was meant to inspire. They post these quotes and and use them to justify bad/damaging/unhealthy behaviors.

And they are everywhere. There is no shortage of fun little quotes on the internet. Heck, I have a board of them on Pinterest, as do many others.

But lately....I feel jaded when I read them. Just a million and one more excuses to justify shitty behavior/actions.

I see my friends doing it and, oh, it burns me up inside. People I know who are smart and good and kind and wonderful.....and they are also being deliberately obtuse with regard to their own emotional intelligence.

I want to shake them sometimes. "No! Don't make excuses to settle! Don't make excuses to accept less than you deserve! Don't make excuses to waste another year less happy than you could be!"

It doesn't burn as badly as that stupid quote my stupid ex posted that one stupid time on stupid old MySpace. (Sorry, Dr. Seuss....you know I don't really think you're stupid.....) But sometimes, reading these quotes and how seeing how folks corrupt them.....it burns a tiny bit.

I sat thinking about this while on Pinterest this morning. I should just stop pinning quotes. I mean...what if I'm just as guilty? What if I've done the same thing? I probably have. That thought burns a bit, too.

It's just another frustrating thing that people do that I have no control over that makes me just want to throw my computer out the window and take my kids to a remote patch of land in Montana and never be heard from again.

100 words - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Her name is strongly Japanese, although she looks anything but. Through the grainy veil of a webcam, though, she can be anything you want her to be I suppose.

"You're so strong" she says as you suit up in your gi for her. Of course your lessons ended years ago and you haven't actually practiced. Although you'll tell anyone who will listen that you will kick their ass if you have to.

"What is that over there?" she asks, gesturing towards the corner of the room. The little toy robot is your daughters. But you lie and say it's yours.

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This entry is for my friend Lance's 100 Word Song writing prompt. This weeks is 100 words based on the song Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips.

note to self

The more disciplined I am in life, the happier I am.

what love is like

A friend wrote (or at least half wrote) a very beautiful story about how she got together with her fiance.

It reminds me a lot of my relationship with M. We struggled for years and years. And I got to a point where it hurt too badly to be with him so I ended our friendship. We were both in horrible, horrible spaces when we met and for a couple of years after...and it just wasn't our time.  And like Ally, I got to a point where I really had to so some soul searching and decide what I was willing to live with......the pain of just being friends or the pain of living without him.

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M and I had dated (poorly) and broken up (even more poorly). We didn't speak for a while, but of course that didn't last either. We struggled and argued for months and decided to start all over as friends. The point was to build a solid friendship, but I admit I had an ulterior motive. I figured "Yeah, we build a friendship....so we can be together". How awful to build a friendship on false pretenses. I think I knew how awful it was back then, I just didn't want to admit it.

Anyways....so for months we "worked on a friendship". Well... he worked. He worked very very hard at becoming a very good friend to me. And over the course of a few short months, he became my best friend.

One day we had this totally random unplanned day out. We went and explored the city and ended up getting tattoos together (no, not matching!). And it was just such a fun, awesome, easy, great, purely happy day.

And at the end of that day when we dropped me off and went off to do something else, I sat in my living room and cried because I knew that I had to accept that he would never love me like I loved him. But he was now my best friend and I couldn't just walk away. And I had to finally and truly accept that we were just friends and nothing more and that chapter was over.

That day was one of the best and worst days of that year. It was so so great and so so sad. But finally...after three years of struggle...I finally accepted the romance just wasn't there and decided it was time to move on and figure out how to get over this man while having him as my best friend.

And I gave up. And it was about two months later that he came to me one night and professed his love for me and hasn't left my side since. And when I told him about my recollection of the awesome/awful day, he laughed at me and said "That's funny, because that's the day I realized I could never be just friends with you".

Funny how life works out like that.

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I really have no idea how Ally's story ends but I want to know. Well, obviously it ends well because he put a ring on it and the are wedding planning. But if you happen to read this and happen to read hers too, please go pester her to finish her story. 

what ails me

I am beginning to think that this year is the year God really teaches me that I don't know anything.

Last year I learned a lot and changed a lot. But in all that new life, I was (and still am) just a baby. It's one thing to really learn things. It's one thing to come to a point of truly believing the truth.

But it's an entirely different thing to walk it every single day. And in a way, life can be harder when your eyes are opened to certain truths. I know how I'm supposed to respond or behave in certain situations. I know the answer! I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.

And I cannot bring myself to do it. I fail over and over and over. I know how I should respond or think or act....but actually doing what I know I'm supposed to do has been a huge struggle for me this year.

It's almost some weird curse, having the knowledge of how to make your life better. Because when you know, it feels like that much greater a failure when you aren't able to quite do it.

getting along

I've lost some "friends" over the past couple of days, in the wake of the Zimmerman trial. I lost friends in the wake of Newtown, too.

And I'm ok with it.

It may not be the choice most other folks would make. That's ok. In no way do I intend to judge someone else by my choice. For me, for my heart, for my soul, for my brain, for my sanity.....severing those ties was something that I needed to be ok with...for a few reasons...

1) I know the status quo is to smile and nod and try to ignore people with different, possibly offensive views. And that's cool, I can get on board with that.  Except when that complacency might end up with my kid dead one day.  When I sit there and smile and nod when gun nuts go on and on about their "2nd amendment right!", I feel like I'm helping pave the way for another school shooting. There are some thing that I don't feel I can be neutral on, because important things are at stake.  I think the "don't rock the boat" mentality is how we've ended up in the strangle hold of the NRA.....no one wants to get in fights or offend their neighbor. All too often people who hold those extreme views can't  really be talked to anyways. So we all just sit and smile and maybe mutter things behind their backs, but no one stands up to the bullies. No one stands up for those who can't stand up for themselves. And then we end up with dead kids. 

So you get into a discussion about Newtown or Trayvon Martin and people either get quiet or they get mad. And the problem doesn't get talked about or fixed and then another kid dies.

As I was writing this, a friend posted this on FB. Much better wordign than I ever could come up with.... "And to remain silent is to give tacit admission that we are okay with the cycle continuing."

2)On a more personal level....and I know some may not understand this.....people may not agree. That's ok. This is how I feel about it.

This needs to be personal. I believe we have done our society a disservice by compartmentalizing these tragedies, by distancing ourselves and ignoring that it could happen to us. I believe we are a worse nation for dismissing the sorrow of our neighbors.....even if they are neighbors we've never met and who live 1000 miles away. 

We need to let that sorrow and grief and anger and pain be part of our reality. These aren't news stories....they are moms and dads and kids like your or me and the thing is........at the rate we're, one day it will be you or me that's the news story. 

With that in mind.....your insistence on no change to gun laws in light of Newtown........your insistence that Trayvon Martin brought his own death on himself....your insistence that we are not a racist nation........the things you insist on defending are not only offensive, they are damaging. And deadly. They are dangerous to my children. And my neighbors children. And your children, even if you may want to ignore it. 

I see a lot of comments and posts and news articles talking about logic and reason and how we should dismiss the heart of the matter....what happens when a kid gets murdered. And I firmly believe that we are making ourselves a terrible country by choosing heartlessness when it suits us.

This needs to be personal because I am not so delusional that I can pretend it might not be my kids one day.

Your defense of current gun laws, your defense of the outcome of the Zimmerman verdict are direct attacks on my child's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Maybe we don't want to think about it that way.....Columbine and Aurora and Newtown parents might not have thought of it that way either. Defense of these hurtful ideals directly harms my children. 

You don't have enough respect for me, my kids, or our right to life. You openly advocate for things that support the status quo of children dying. So why are you my friend? 

3) One last reason I've lost friends....lack of respect. People have been posting some shitty stuff. In the days after Newtown, before there was even a single funeral, I had friends posting memes about buying more bullets and making gun jokes. After the Zimmerman verdict, I had friends posting that shit about what a juvenile delinquent he was or memes about whiney liberals "pulling the race card" or saying crap like "The system worked! Yay!"

Have some respect. Have a little class. I lost a friend or two not because we disagree........but because I am not going to sit around while you gloat over the dead bodies of someones children.  I'm doing us both a favor by not remaining your friend after you have the nerve to post that crap..........I lost all respect for you. I'm not your friend if I don't respect you.

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I know I have garnered more than a few sideways stares this year. The past couple days have not remedied that. I think I've made a few friends uncomfortable. I may have lost friends I don't know about. I may have earned my way to the "ignore" list. 

Over the past couple of years, one of the lessons I've learned is this: there is no value in keeping a "friend" who disrespects you. Who calls you names. Who insults you. There is no value in holding on to someone who hurts you and makes your life worse. I've mentioned before...it's all connected. I don't need to put those harmful thoughts and ideas in my heart, brain, and soul. I don't really need daily reminders that people think I'm stupid or beneath them. I know it. I accept it. It isn't really healthy to beat it into my own head daily.

What I've also learned is that I feel like a terrible human being when I keep people in my life just to avoid "rocking the boat". My gut tells me that it's not helpful or productive. Not for me, not for my community.

I want to be that zen person who smiles and blithely rattles off some very zen response and loves everyone even if they don't care if my kid dies or not. I want to be that person. Maybe someday I'll grow into that person. Although, as I approach my 40th year, I suspect that I am just not meant to be her.

So in the meantime...........I'm losing "friends". 

At the end of the day.....I guess everyone is broken and hurting and damaged. The difference is the degree of the damage.

So when you meet someone you want to judge,  I feel like that's God calling you to recognized that you aren't as bad off as you think you are. You could be worse off.