This blog has not been updated much lately, not that anyone reads or even really knows to read.
The silence comes from struggle. I have come to the blogger site dozens of times only to have dozens of entries sit in the “draft” folder, and most likely never to see the light of day. My last entry of any substance touched on my feelings that, months later, still have a strangle hold on my words.
A friend asked me if I’d quit blogging and quit twitter. Kind of? (Well, yes, I did quit twitter, actually).
To be plain…I don’t feel like my words will be welcomed. The things that weigh on my mind often somehow weave into the relationships I have…..and I don’t think I have permission in any relationship (except my marriage) to be honest.
I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said something to the effect of “You’d better have friends in your life that you give permission to be real and honest with you”. And it struck me…..that’s why I’ve pulled away from social media, that’s why I don’t tweet or blog or post much on FB……I know that I do not have permission to be real with most anyone I am in a relationship with.
I want to write things. And I write them and then realize that whatever I wrote might end up hitting a nerve with someone I care about. Someone who I probably don’t have permission to be authentic with. So I realize I will probably just offend them or hurt them or, worse, push them away. So I say nothing. And I hit “draft” instead of “publish”.
I don’t say any this in a judgey way. I come away from these situations feeling like a pretty horrible person most days. Whatever is going on in life and the world and our culture seems to dictate that I sit back and watch people I care about do harmful things. I feel like a terrible, terrible friend most of the time. Something in the way my brain is wired takes this on and I feel…..guilty. Why can’t I magically come up with the perfect words to tactfully and effectively convey what I’m trying to say? I suck at that. As this blog entry so clearly demonstrates.
So lately I’ve just been running away from it. I’ve been closing myself off from a lot of relationships and closing myself of from even having to engage it conversations. I really just want to go between work and home and not think about what other folks are doing. And I’ll be real…….it’s just because I’m tired and scared.
Anyways……….I don’t know if that makes sense. Or sounds just profoundly awful. Maybe I’m a horrible person and I just don’t know it. See? I’m finishing this up thinking “Oh lord, I’m going to sound like a giant jerk and it’s all going to be taken the wrong way and I’d better just hit draft instead of publish!”
So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m feeling like…..words are futile.
And no, don’t feel like this entry is a call for smoke to be blown up my butt or that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I want people to be authentic with me. And I guess I need to figure out what, exactly, is my calling in this area of life. Right now, I just don’t know.