what ails me

I am beginning to think that this year is the year God really teaches me that I don't know anything.

Last year I learned a lot and changed a lot. But in all that new life, I was (and still am) just a baby. It's one thing to really learn things. It's one thing to come to a point of truly believing the truth.

But it's an entirely different thing to walk it every single day. And in a way, life can be harder when your eyes are opened to certain truths. I know how I'm supposed to respond or behave in certain situations. I know the answer! I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.

And I cannot bring myself to do it. I fail over and over and over. I know how I should respond or think or act....but actually doing what I know I'm supposed to do has been a huge struggle for me this year.

It's almost some weird curse, having the knowledge of how to make your life better. Because when you know, it feels like that much greater a failure when you aren't able to quite do it.

getting along

I've lost some "friends" over the past couple of days, in the wake of the Zimmerman trial. I lost friends in the wake of Newtown, too.

And I'm ok with it.

It may not be the choice most other folks would make. That's ok. In no way do I intend to judge someone else by my choice. For me, for my heart, for my soul, for my brain, for my sanity.....severing those ties was something that I needed to be ok with...for a few reasons...

1) I know the status quo is to smile and nod and try to ignore people with different, possibly offensive views. And that's cool, I can get on board with that.  Except when that complacency might end up with my kid dead one day.  When I sit there and smile and nod when gun nuts go on and on about their "2nd amendment right!", I feel like I'm helping pave the way for another school shooting. There are some thing that I don't feel I can be neutral on, because important things are at stake.  I think the "don't rock the boat" mentality is how we've ended up in the strangle hold of the NRA.....no one wants to get in fights or offend their neighbor. All too often people who hold those extreme views can't  really be talked to anyways. So we all just sit and smile and maybe mutter things behind their backs, but no one stands up to the bullies. No one stands up for those who can't stand up for themselves. And then we end up with dead kids. 

So you get into a discussion about Newtown or Trayvon Martin and people either get quiet or they get mad. And the problem doesn't get talked about or fixed and then another kid dies.

As I was writing this, a friend posted this on FB. Much better wordign than I ever could come up with.... "And to remain silent is to give tacit admission that we are okay with the cycle continuing."

2)On a more personal level....and I know some may not understand this.....people may not agree. That's ok. This is how I feel about it.

This needs to be personal. I believe we have done our society a disservice by compartmentalizing these tragedies, by distancing ourselves and ignoring that it could happen to us. I believe we are a worse nation for dismissing the sorrow of our neighbors.....even if they are neighbors we've never met and who live 1000 miles away. 

We need to let that sorrow and grief and anger and pain be part of our reality. These aren't news stories....they are moms and dads and kids like your or me and the thing is........at the rate we're, one day it will be you or me that's the news story. 

With that in mind.....your insistence on no change to gun laws in light of Newtown........your insistence that Trayvon Martin brought his own death on himself....your insistence that we are not a racist nation........the things you insist on defending are not only offensive, they are damaging. And deadly. They are dangerous to my children. And my neighbors children. And your children, even if you may want to ignore it. 

I see a lot of comments and posts and news articles talking about logic and reason and how we should dismiss the heart of the matter....what happens when a kid gets murdered. And I firmly believe that we are making ourselves a terrible country by choosing heartlessness when it suits us.

This needs to be personal because I am not so delusional that I can pretend it might not be my kids one day.

Your defense of current gun laws, your defense of the outcome of the Zimmerman verdict are direct attacks on my child's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Maybe we don't want to think about it that way.....Columbine and Aurora and Newtown parents might not have thought of it that way either. Defense of these hurtful ideals directly harms my children. 

You don't have enough respect for me, my kids, or our right to life. You openly advocate for things that support the status quo of children dying. So why are you my friend? 

3) One last reason I've lost friends....lack of respect. People have been posting some shitty stuff. In the days after Newtown, before there was even a single funeral, I had friends posting memes about buying more bullets and making gun jokes. After the Zimmerman verdict, I had friends posting that shit about what a juvenile delinquent he was or memes about whiney liberals "pulling the race card" or saying crap like "The system worked! Yay!"

Have some respect. Have a little class. I lost a friend or two not because we disagree........but because I am not going to sit around while you gloat over the dead bodies of someones children.  I'm doing us both a favor by not remaining your friend after you have the nerve to post that crap..........I lost all respect for you. I'm not your friend if I don't respect you.

*********

I know I have garnered more than a few sideways stares this year. The past couple days have not remedied that. I think I've made a few friends uncomfortable. I may have lost friends I don't know about. I may have earned my way to the "ignore" list. 

Over the past couple of years, one of the lessons I've learned is this: there is no value in keeping a "friend" who disrespects you. Who calls you names. Who insults you. There is no value in holding on to someone who hurts you and makes your life worse. I've mentioned before...it's all connected. I don't need to put those harmful thoughts and ideas in my heart, brain, and soul. I don't really need daily reminders that people think I'm stupid or beneath them. I know it. I accept it. It isn't really healthy to beat it into my own head daily.

What I've also learned is that I feel like a terrible human being when I keep people in my life just to avoid "rocking the boat". My gut tells me that it's not helpful or productive. Not for me, not for my community.

I want to be that zen person who smiles and blithely rattles off some very zen response and loves everyone even if they don't care if my kid dies or not. I want to be that person. Maybe someday I'll grow into that person. Although, as I approach my 40th year, I suspect that I am just not meant to be her.

So in the meantime...........I'm losing "friends". 

At the end of the day.....I guess everyone is broken and hurting and damaged. The difference is the degree of the damage.

So when you meet someone you want to judge,  I feel like that's God calling you to recognized that you aren't as bad off as you think you are. You could be worse off.

.....

I don't really know how it's supposed to be "empowering" to attempt change, half-ass your effort, fail, and then say "Well I guess I'm just gonna accept this because it's easier than actually trying"

giving

Something I've noticed lately....

The more capable a person is of replacing a resource they have, the least likely they are to part with it.

another "ah-ha"

I have a few friends who I know are not particularly happy within themselves. It radiates from them. (Wow, which just made me realize how it must have been the same for me.........)

And they are constantly trying to change things. Nothing meaningful, but things that are easy to change. And I'm not judging. Because I used to be the same way. I'd get fed up and get a new job or we'd move or I'd color my hair crazy or cut it all off. Something that was within my control.

When I was unhappy, I changed what I felt like I could control.

Except it never worked because my hair or my job wasn't what was fundamentally making me unhappy.

Your happiness is pretty much entirely internal. It's virtually always a choice. It sounds so cliche and silly but it's so hard to accept and understand. I get it. There are so many seemingly huge outside factors that we think make us unhappy........but the only thing ever really keeping us unhappy is ourselves. We just don't realize the power we have over certain aspects of our lives.

And watching my friends struggle with that and watching them be as blind as I was is so frustrating.

Sometimes I just want to run up to people and hold their hand and say "You can be happier!!! It's right within your reach!!!"

But, the other cliche is true..........everyone has got to walk their own path.

But yeah......it just hit me today. I did a lot of stupid things and tried to change a lot of stupid things that were unimportant because I thought they were the only things I could control. And I thought if I could change what I could control, I would be happier.

So many crazy, disconnected leaps in logic.....

owning

I know lots of people who are perfectly aware of what their issues are. They will tell you about them all the time.

Knowing what your issues are is one thing. But constantly talking about them isn't a solution.

Just because you are willing to tell everyone in the world what your issues are doesn't mean you are doing anything positive. Sometimes it's  just an excuse to keep doing what your doing that is making you unhappy.